I stay at home with my daughter and if there is anything in my life that I feel is 100% right, it is this. I know a lot of women feel conflicted about the decision to stay home (Shouldn't I get a job so that I can contribute financially? Am I really the best person to teach my child day-in and day-out?) For me, the answers to those questions are "Not yet" and "Yes," respectively. Love it (most of the time), love her (over the top), just love it. But sometimes I wonder if the level at which I have embraced my new role indicates something lacking deep inside. (Examples include unexpected nursing fervor and angst-ridden over seemingly mundane child-rearing decisions such as allowing my child to cry it out in her bed instead of co-sleeping and night-nursing).
I may be lacking in some areas. I want to do and be a lot of things but am one of those "I just never got around to it" kind of people. I have thought about it and decided that it has nothing to do with my Mommy title. I have always been a procrastinator, perhaps a little lazy and a little non-commital, and also a bit of a "reach for the stars" type of dreamer. For example, I told Mike when we started talking about babies that I wanted to do a yoga retreat by myself before I got pregnant. Why didn't I make that happen? This wasn't exactly a "reach for the stars" moment. It would have been different if I had said I wanted to attend a yoga retreat, take yoga teacher training, and open up my own studio - all before having a baby. No no...I just wanted to go on one out of town yoga retreat.
Anyway, there are a lot of things that I want to do that don't have much or anything to do with the life I lead right now. I still want to go on a yoga retreat...it doesn't have to be out of town, but it should be at least over a weekend. I also would love to take yoga teacher training, but that is something that will have to wait for, oh, ten years or so. I would also love to take a cooking class, or several cooking classes. One to learn how to think outside the box when it comes to cooking. I want to learn what the experts say about which flavors complement each other and how to throw them all together to make good (yet simple-ish) meals. I also want to take a vegetarian/vegan cooking class so that this type of eating can be a presence in our lives as well.
I want to learn how to sew. This has much to do with my current occupation, as I foresee costumes, rips, tears, and mends in my childrens' futures, and I don't want to always pay full price for new clothes, or even for a tailor. I think it is just good home ec.
I want to write more. This blog is supposed to be for that, but often I am too fried or too busy to write. I also worry about the quality of my writing and opt to either not write or not publish if I think it is sloppy. Tonight I am super tired but writing anyway, and I totally intend to post. I realize that I may have included too many or not enough commas, as both are my tendency. I am also pretty sure that my grammar is incorrect in several places and my sentences are lazy. I'm just going with it.
I have begun reading more, which is a great thing for me. More on that later.
I REALLY want to rediscover my own political mind again. My life has evolved quite a bit over the past few years, but has anything really changed? I'd like to find out, and when I do, I do not want to be ashamed or timid about it. I want to own it, but I do not want it to own me. I really want to believe that there is a place for dissenting opinions in our day, but it does not need to take up so much room. My political views help to shape who Iam, but do not define the whole me. Now breathe.
I want to be a better friend and a nicer stranger. I want to stress less, gossip less, judge less, and speak more positive things. I want to leave a mark in my community. Community involvement, serving on school boards, volunteering, etc.
2 comments:
I, too, have a constant battle with myself of who I am vs. who I want to become. I often feel (especially now, for reasons we're both very aware of) that I'm standing in place waiting for life experiences to come to me instead of taking charge of my life. And I can't even tell you the number of hours I've spent criticizing myself for not going to graduate school, when that was the SOLE purpose of my moving to North Carolina.
Yet, with all my criticisms and my angst about where my life is going, I have to remind myself of everything I have accomplished. I have to force myself to silence my inner critic and just be happy with who I am.
As for the writing, my brother would be the first to tell you that punctuation, grammar, all of that is of little consequence outside of high school English. You are allowed to have your style of writing. Just embrace it.
Love you. And, if you're talking about a retreat, I think we need to have a Ceci-Kelly retreat soon. :)
Yes, a retreat is definitely in our future. I do criticize myself alot, but mostly I think it is valid criticism. If I were someone else talking to the voice inside my head, I would want to smack me. I want to do all this stuff...some of it doesn't even cost money (or much money), and I have a ready babysitter. What's holding me back? I think I am kind of scared to find out if I will be terrible as a yoga teacher, seamstress, writer, cook.
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