All things pregnancy

Today I think I will write a little bit about pregnancy since I sort of neglected my "pregnancy journal" after about week 7 (I'm now beginning week 17).

So far, I have not enjoyed my pregnancy as much as I thought I would, although none of that will matter come February when I'm holding my little daughter in my arms. It will all be worth it. And I expected the first trimester to be unpleasant, so I am trying not to judge my entire pregnancy based on the first 12-14 weeks. (Although the symptoms that I have been experiencing are way outside the range of what you typically hear about, though not at all abnormal...you know, nausea and vomiting, fatigue, etc). My first clue that something was different was about a week before I found out (though I wasn't ready to attribute it to pregnancy at that early stage). I was SO tired that I felt like I was getting sick. I started going to bed at around 8:00 every night and sleeping pretty much straight through until I had to get up around 5:30. I also noticed that I was breaking out a little bit on my legs, which really is quite unusual for me. But I disregarded it as being from the heat or something. Then, a few days before, I started experiencing cramps, which felt like menstrual cramps. So, duh, I figured that was what they were. When that didn't pan out, I thought "maybe, just maybe". So when I took a pregnancy test and the little digital screen said "Yes," I ran to wake Mike up (this was before 6am, so you can imagine his confusion. And then excitement. =).

Anyway, for the next couple of weeks, the only symptoms I was experiencing were the exhaustion, nasal stuffiness and shortness of breath. This confused me because although I had heard of some women feeling like they had a cold early on in pregnancy, I didn't understand why and I certainly did not understand the shortness of breath. I now get that those two symptoms (the stuffiness and shortness of breath) are largely due to the increasing supply of blood running through my body. I have read that a pregnant woman increases her blood supply by 50% by the end of her pregnancy. I still have stuffiness and shortness of breath. The little blood vessels inside my nose started popping, so I was also experiencing a lot of dryness and bleeding, but I seem to have gotten that under controlwith saline nasal spray and Vaseline. Glamorous, I know.

Soon, the food and bathroom issues started. I was SUPER exhausted ALL the time and all I wanted to do was sleep, yet sleep is something that eluded me more and more. Pregnancy hormones caused me to have to pee all the time, which wasn't too much of a bother during the day, but getting up 3-4 times at night was a real problem (and still is). And of course, once I was awake, it was very hard to get back to sleep. So being exhausted and sleep deprived made a very grouchy- and surprised - Kelly. After all, wasn't the sleep deprivation supposed to come AFTER the baby was born? This caused me to reflect on all of the times that I gave my inexpert - and probably unwelcome - advice to those exhausted pregnant women. "Sleep now while you can, because once the baby comes, there will be no more sleep for you!" They would usually respond with a polite chuckle, but nobody was ever blunt enough to tell me to stop talking, you silly, silly girl.

And yes, the food issues. I never actually vomited (thank you, God!) but there were a couple of close calls as well as plenty of queasiness and food aversions. I went from mostly wanting vegetarian (pre-pregnancy) to becoming the biggest carnivore you ever met. And I wanted those down home meals...just fry me up a piece of steak and serve it with a side of mac and cheese and mashed potatoes, if you please!

"What's that you say, Mike? Broccoli? Oh, so you DO have a death wish? Get that out of my face!!!"

"Is that asparagus I smell? Oh you thought it would be healthy and nutritious for the baby? That's so sweet of you, but would you be so kind as to take it to the trash in the garage? And while you are out there, JUST SIT OUT THERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! Bringing anything green within 20 feet of me is a crime punishable by 9 months of hard labor, Mister, so get to work! This house needs to be vacuumed and the bathrooms are not going to clean themselves! Oh, and before you start mopping the floors, will you please be a dear bring me a glass of soy milk and a heating pad for my back and oh, here, I'm finished with my glass but I could really use some ice water with the bowl of cereal you are preparing for me NOT cheerios thank you okay now I am going to bed and you can finish up the dishes right? Please make sure you disinfect the counters and wash out the sink real well because if I see chunks of food in the sink when I get up at 2:30 this morning for a glass of orange juice I might just hurl thank you."

Did I mention that I was just a touch on the crabby side?

Food rules my day, every day. Before I go to work in the mornings, I load down my purse with bananas, oranges, apples, grapes, V8 (since I'm still not all that keen on fresh veggies), cheese snacks, yogurt...whatever I see. And when I get hungry, the most annoying thing happens. NOTHING sounds good to me! Fruit doesn't, V8 doesn't, yogurt doesn't, crackers don't, cookies don't.

Anyway, add to all this my chronic back troubles, you are looking at one uncomfortable pregnant lady! Though slowly, I am getting to the exciting stage of pregnancy. I think I may have felt the baby kick yesterday and we know it's a girl so we are starting to think about names. So all in all, things are looking up. Despite my food issues and the fact that I'm still getting up 2-3 times per night to pee, I am starting to feel a little bit more like myself, which is good because there is a lot to do around here to prepare!

I hope that I will take the time to write another update about my experience with Baby Darby. This has been fun.

xoxo
Kel

Earliest memory

I know I should be obsessively posting about Baby Darby but I feel like in order to do that, I need to also post ultrasound pictures. And posting images on my blog seems to me the most tedious aspect of updating my blog, so I will continue to procrastinate on that. In the meantime, I wrote this entry on another private blog that I have. It isn't too personal so I figured I would share it here (even though I am fairly certain that nobody ever comes here anymore since I dropped off for a couple of years and then made my comeback with an entry about Michael Jackson. =) Ah, well).

Okay, back to my earliest memory:

My earliest memory is of being given a bath in the kitchen sink at my Aunt Penny's house. In this memory, Aunt Penny is rinsing me off with the spray nozel and singing "You are my sunshine."

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away."

Or she could have been singing another song.

"K-K-K-KELLY! Beautiful Kelly! You're the oh-oh-only one that I adore!
Wha-When the ma-moon shines, over the terrace
I'll be waiting at the k-k-kitchen door!"

A note about this song: The original song was not about Kelly. Indeed, it was about some girl named Katy. And according to a Google search, it was a First World War vintage song. And instead of the moon shining over the terrace, it was shining over a cowshed. http://www.firstworldwar.com/audio/katy.htm

Now, I don't really know if these songs were really sung to me in this memory in reality. I know that she sang them to me a alot (or it could have just been once and it sticks in my head - isn't it funny how memories are so imperfect?), so I could just be mixing up two memories. But that is my earliest memory. Aunt Penny was my great aunt. She was my mom's aunt - my grandmother's (Norma - my mom's mom) sister. She and Uncle William lived in Corpus Christi, Texas. I used to spend a lot of time with them down there. I loved it. My Aunt Penny adored me and I her. I remember she had kind of a high pitchy voice and a laugh that I am pretty sure could be heard on the other side of the world. I remember that she always had bubble gum and would keep a plastic bag attached to the gear shift in her car. I would take a piece of her bubble gum and throw the wrappers away there. I remember one time when we were driving down the road in her car and I decided to open the door while the car was moving. Oh man...that scared the you-know-what out of her. I think I thought it was funny, but I also remember her saying how bad it was that I did that, and thank God that I was wearing my seat belt. I don't think I understood the danger of what I did at that time, but I did not like her being upset with me. (Now, can you imagine if you were babysitting a kid that did that? Holy geez, I get scared just thinking about it).

Aunt Penny had a stroke in early 1995 and died on March 31 - the same day that Selena died and they both lived in Corpus. I don't know why I always remember that. I have a funny way of referencing events. Prior to that, I had only ever lost one loved one - Aunt Martha (Grandma Mary's sister). Martha died when I was too young to really comprehend the finality of death. I remember that it was hard, but I also remember expecting God to give her back to us. When Aunt Penny died, I was 15 and old enough to understand that she would not be coming back. There are no words to describe that feeling. This is a lady who I spent endless hours with. Her house was one of my homes. I felt more comfortable with her than with almost anyone (possibly with the exception of Grandma and Grandpa Foster). And she died too young.

I think back on the three big deaths of my youth - Aunt Martha, Aunt Penny and Grandpa Sam - and think what a shame that I didn't get to know these three individuals as an adult. Especially with Aunt Martha and Aunt Penny, I never did take the time to consider their mortality, which means that I never considered that I could lose them. On one hand, I believe that living this way helps us to live more freely and naturally. With Grandpa Sam, I can remember sitting with him working the puzzles and all of a sudden my mind would go to that horrible time in the unknown future when he would no longer be with me. My brain would turn to fuzz, my eyes would tear up, and I wouldn't be able to breathe. I was no longer able to enjoy just being with Grandpa. I had to grab on tight and close my eyes to try to make the moment last. But of course, the very definition of moments is that they are fleeting. Such were these moments. Too fleeting. Now whenever I smell bubblegum, I think of Aunt Penny. If I ride in a car and someone has a small trash bag with the handle cut out and hooked around the gear shift, I feel a little bit more at home. But I have never, ever heard another laugh like hers. It doesn't exist.

Reflecting on Michael Jackson

This week, I am surprised at how Michael Jackson's death has touched my life. After all, I thought about him almost never in the past few years. I haven't thought about his music in a very long time, and really had no opinion about him as a person. How can that be, you might ask? Surely, his eccentricities, his over-the-top plastic surgery, his criminal trials all would have made an impression about him in my mind. Maybe I did have an opinion about it at the time...perhaps I scoffed, judged, wondered what parents were thinking letting their children stay the night with him unattended. But it had honestly been a very, very long time since I had listened to his music and marveled at his talent and was certainly entertained by him. Thriller was my favorite music video - it scared me and left me in awe. I watched it over and over and over with my big brother and my dad, confused. Was it a movie? A musical? How did it really end? Was his girlfriend still in danger? How do all the monsters dance like that?

The next thing I remember, MJ was all over the news, and not in a good way. What happened to his skin? Why did he fashion his estate after Peter Pan? What did he do with all those children? What was he thinking dangling his child over the ledge? Why does he talk that way? Does he even live in the same world that I do? Questions, questions, questions. Oh, and somewhere in there was a distant compassion - poor Michael. He cannot catch a break with the media. But just like with any source of gossip, there was a distance between me, these thoughts, and the actual human being who was the subject.

But now I do think about these things, and I am ashamed and sorrowful. What is wrong with this society that we find other people's misery fascinating? I'm remembering an interview where he tried to use the argument as to why the media should respect his personal privacy - I believe he actually said that it "hurts his feelings" or "hurts his heart." And how was Michael Jackson - a man so cool that he could get away with wearing black, high-water pants with white socks and loafers - so raw and honest about his feelings in a way that nobody else ever has been and still be celebrated as the King of Pop?

In retrospect, what is wrong with a person who chooses to celebrate the children of this world so unabashedly? Who isn't afraid to be so brutally honest about the pain in his own childhood? And really, what is there to judge about someone who tries to live his life vicariously through other children, especially when we are all very much aware that he had no childhood himself? And if it weren't for our jaded nature, wouldn't it be marvelous to have a person go to such amazing lengths to give our children Neverland? That's only okay in fiction, I guess (it was something to envy when Robin Williams did it in Peter Pan...that's all I gotta say). But that is only because here in the real world, we have seen innocent children lured in by evil individuals and damaged for life, or worse.

As for me, I choose to believe the best about him because I believe that is the same courtesy that he gave to others. After all, isn't it more likely that the parents of those children saw an opportunity for money and actually exploited Michael? You and I may never know for sure.

So now I know why the passing of this transcendent figure has touched me so. In part, yes it is because in the past week, I have been reliving the music that I neglected for so long and wish that I had appreciated it more when he was here to give more. But also, I grieve for the loss of my own innocence. I could not put aside my own discomfort at his weird, eccentric style to actually appreciate the contribution that he was making to the world - and not just through his music - and the cross that he bore because of it. I want to say that these attributes made him free, but I do not believe he was free. I pray that he is now.

Removing negativity from the top!

My main purpose in writing this entry is so that the first entry that is seen is NOT about a scary storm! But I don't actually have that much to write about right now. My deep thoughts seem to have stayed in New York City, which actually might be a blessing. I was re-reading some of the blogs from 2006-2007 and thought to myself, "excatly which drugs were you taking back then?" I do have funny thoughts from time to time, and wish at those times that I had a pen and paper and could write them down. But they usually come at the most inconvenient times - such as when I am getting ready for work and am already fifteen minutes late, or I'm in the car and it would be considered a hazard to take two hands off the wheel in order to write down something clever or inspired. Alas, I wait until all the stars align. I must be sitting at my computer when the thought arises. This happened a lot more in New York than it does now, which is a shame. But perhaps inspiration comes from trials, and NYC certain had plenty of those! My life in Texas is pretty simple, and for that I am grateful.

I hope you are also grateful. If you are, please feel free to tell me why.

Kelly

Stormy weather

Tonight my county - Williamson County - was issued a tornado warning that is supposed to end in about 10 minutes. (Update: The tornado warning was extended from 8:30 to 9:00 now. And the hail must be really bad because it sounds like someone is walking in my attic). The sky is all lit up with lightening and thunder is shaking the house. Dobe has been pacing nervously and I brought in all the plants and other loose objects from the patio. The only thing I didn't bring in was the grill. Here's hoping.

Mike is at the movies for a work-sponsored event, and I am worried about him getting in his car to drive home without turning on his phone and checking my text messages and without knowing anything about what the weather is doing. I'm keeping a very watchful eye on the color of the sky - I think it turns green before a tornado hits and you hear something that sounds like a train whistle. Right now all I hear is thunder and rain/hail. If anything else happens, Dobe and I head for the closet. Storms are fun. Tornados are not. It would be much better if Mike was here, or if I could at least rely on him to turn his phone on. He is not usually good at remembering to do those things.

Yeah, the lights just flickered. I'm totally stressing. Dobe is laying by the bedroom door waiting for Mike to come in...I wish he would come sit by me!! =)

Everyone stay safe out there!

8:54pm Update: I believe the worst of the storm has passed me, but Mike is probably in the thick of it. I am thanking God that he decided to turn his phone on in the middle of the movie and saw my text messages. Whatever convinced him to do that?? He knows to stay put until after the storm passes.

Making a comeback...

So wow...it's been two years since I updated my blog. Much has transpired. A couple of weeks after my last post in April 2007, Mike proposed to me in Prospect Park, Brooklyn. In February of the following year (2008), we said goodbye to New York and all of our friends and moved to Texas. We were married in Houston in April. We rented in Austin for about a year. We had no plans to buy any time soon, but with the housing market as it was and interest rates so low, we decided to take the leap and are now proud homeowners. Our dog, Dobe, loves it very much. One of the first things we did for him was to install a doggie door to give him access to the backyard. MUCH better than being at the mercy of his sleepy owners at 3:00 in the morning like it was in the apartment. We also adopted a cat named Emmy. Emmy no longer resides with us though. It just didn't work out. That may be a story for another time.

We miss New York and our friends there very much. There is no place on earth like it, and I feel very fortunate to be able to say that I lived there for two years of my life. However, we really love being in Central Texas. We have access to so many local natural resources like lakes and parks, and the weather allows us to utilize them most of the year. But I guess the biggest difference is the space per square foot. Our home is about five times the size (not counting the yard) as our studio apartment in Brooklyn, and we are paying nearly the same per month to own it.

One disadvantage is the lack of public transportation. We both have cars, and though they are both economical, we spend a lot in gas, insurance and car payments. I never thought I would say that I missed the NYC subways, but there it is. And it's not just that I can get from point A to point B without the huge cost. Since leaving New York, I went from reading 1-2 books per month to 1-2 books every 4-5 months! In NYC, I did all my reading in transit, and now I am lucky to get in 5 pages before I drift off to sleep.

Of course, anyone who knows me well knows what I miss the most about living in NYC...Broadway! It kills me to think of all the shows that I will never see. Those short-run plays that are big hits but will never tour. Most of the musicals that I love will eventually make the rounds. In the meantime, I cannot wait until our next visit to NYC (hopefully in October). The first show I want to see is In The Heights. The rest I need to research. Le and Swamy just came back from a visit last month and saw a few really good shows that they may be able to recommend. (Alas! I will not be able to see them all!)

So that is my life the past two years in a nutshell. Of course I left out lots of details...the job, activities, family life, etc. That will come later! Thanks for reading, and hope you are all doing great!