**Read it all the way through, guys...or if not all the way through, skip to the last paragraph...it's a matter of national security. Okay, maybe not national security, but just do it, okay? For me...**
So I'm currently re-reading my favorite book of all time. Tess of the D'Urbervilles, by Thomas Hardy. I read it for the first time in high school, then again in college sometime, and this is my third time to read it. When I picked it up a few days ago, I honestly could not remember what it was about...I remembered that somehow, Tess becomes a scorned woman early on in the book, and I'm still not clear on what the outcome is (don't worry, I wouldn't give it away if I could remember). Anyway, I just came upon a passage that really struck me because I do almost the exact same thing. (Just a warning, I'm letting you all in on a slightly darker side of Kelly...can you handle it?) I'll quote the passage here:
"She philosophically noted dates as they came past in the revolution of the year: the disastrous night of her undoing at Trantridge with its dark background of The Chase; also the dates of the baby's birth and death; also her own birthday; and every other day individualized by incidents in which she had taken some share. She suddenly thought one afternoon, when looking in the glass at her fairness, that there was yet another date, of greater importance to her than those; that of her own death, when all these charms would have disappeared; a day which lay sly and unseen among all the other days of the year, giving no sign or sound when she annually passed over it; but not the less surely there. When was it? Why did she not feel the chill of each yearly encounter with such a cold relation? She had Jeremy Taylor's thought that some time in the future those who had known her would say 'It is the--th, the day that poor Tess Durbeyfield died'; and there would be nothing singular to their minds in the statement. Of that day, doomed to be her terminus in time through all the ages, she did not know the place in month, week, season, or year."
Perhaps it is not so uncommon for us to recall anniversaries. We do it all the time, throw parties to commemorate dates of weddings, births, a first kiss, the births of famous people (Oh blessed day when George Washington was supposedly born! Sometimes, we get to take off of work and school just to celebrate!!), and the joyful union of the Native Americans and the Puritans (I don't know...I just felt like throwing that in there). Anyway, the point is, I imagine that it's not so crazy to think "What was I doing this time last year? Oh, I was just starting my final fall semester in graduate school", or more specifically, "I was sitting in my aunt and uncle's living room, glued to the televised coverage of Hurricane Katrina, wondering if I should hijak a bus, drive it the five hours down I-10 to New Orleans, and pick up a bunch of stranded lives, when I suddenly realized that if I did that, I would probably be kicked off the bus and end up stranded on the side of I-10 while the people I went there to save drove off without me...that would suck!" Or less specifically, "I was struggling to get over a broken heart", or "I was making daily trips to the hospital to visit my grandfather, who would die two months later," or "I was beginning to look for internships in New York," or "I was beginning to talk to Maria about her wedding plans." This happens to me all the time...I'm constantly looking back, pondering the dates, doing my own little personal "This Date in History". Less frequently, the thought will cross my mind that: "Today is August 30...I wonder if some day, somebody will be saying 'This is the day that Kelly died, five years ago.'" Morbid, huh? Does anyone else do that? It's just funny because I don't remember when I first started doing that, and as I was reading my book, I found myself wondering "Man, I have read this book three times now, and each time, I forget what it's about...what if I read this passage the first time and thought 'Yeah, huh, interesting...', and started doing it after that?"
It reminds me of some time in junior high or high school, I was really taken by the kids at school who didn't act like anybody else (sometimes didn't even like anyone else), but still seemed to fit in somehow. I thought they were the coolest kids in school because they marched to the beat of their own drum, but still managed to convince the popular kids that they deserved to be respected. So I made a decision right then and there that I would strive, for the rest of my life, to NOT be normal. Yes, I decided to be a weird-o. The only thing was that I didn't have the imagination to do it right. I didn't know how to be weird...I would never have convinced my parental units to buy me the really out-there clothes (although I admit, I did wear those horrible Cross Colors jeans...black denim with one pocket green, the other yellow, the other red, the other orange...sometimes paired along with a red Guess t-shirt), and even if they had bought them for me, I never would have had the guts to wear them. My hair was dirty blond, straight, with bangs, and again, I never would have gotten permission to cut it funny, or dye it any strange colors, and truthfully, I just didn't have the desire to do that (plus, I didn't have a rebellious bone in my body). Well, so I didn't figure out until college what it meant to be purposefully abnormal. I struggled through high school to fit in, never quite made it, and then in college, I started listening ONLY to Broadway show tunes. That was definitely NOT NORMAL. Everyone admitted it...I had achieved weird. Pat myself on the back. I adored my show tunes...especially Rent. I got everyone in my dorm room hooked, though never quite to the same extent as I was hooked...they still liked to listen to Puff Daddy (not yet P-Diddy), Third Eye Blind, Usher (You Make Me Wanna...), Aaliyah, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys and N'Sync. Anyway, it just got worse from there. I was hooked to my showtunes, couldn't lay off of them, went through withdrawals when I didn't have them, and that was it. Now, this wasn't the only way that I was abnormal, but we don't have to get into all the nitty gritty. Let's just say that subconsciously, I achieved the goal I had made years earlier to become one of those people who didn't quite do it like everybody else did it (not only did I not do it like everyone else did, but I didn't not do it the same way others who didn't do it did), but I still fit in. Because I had an awesome group of girls around me...Maria, Mel, Ceci, Tara, Ali, even Veronica at that point (I know a lot of you don't know who these people are, but for those of you who doknow , YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!). I had the best friends in the whole world, and I suddenly understood that those in high school whose approval I ached for every day and night were just a blip in this book of my life...those are not the people who will say "This day five years ago, Kelly left us."
Why did I turn this from a morbid self-analysis based on my favorite book to an essay on the horrors of high school and finding yourself? I don't really know...maybe because I'm currently watching my little brother go through this same torture within the same walls that I did, and my heart goes out to him. So Stephen, honey...this is for you! And I want all of you who read this to post a comment with encouraging words of wisdom, maybe even a little story or anecdote of your own high school horrors, for my little brother, okay? Apparently, he doesn't smile enough, and I think this will be just the remedy for him.
Love y'all!!
12 comments:
Kelly and her little brother...
I have a 16 year old sister who is trying to find herself, also, and it kills me to see the torture she goes through. We have all been there. Like you Kelly, I decided at a young age, no matter what you wear, no matter who your friends are, if you treat people nice, I will be your friend. Sometimes I failed in that department, but overall, I think I have acheived that goal. We can all relate to those feelings of not being accepted, or being accepted, but not wanting the attention, but I feel those moments are who make us in the end. A few months ago, I had my thoughts on life, and memories, and friends, and I wrote it down in my blog as well...
"To All of my Friends......
So here I am at 26- unpacking my soul from the cardboard boxes that surround my new apartment- all of the remnants of this life I reside in... Once again leaving behind the walls that have served as witness to who I am, the company I keep and the truth in what no one could ever know in the silence of my "alone."
In all of my many moves, I have carried you with me- in and out of albums, files, CD cases, bookshelves and decorated boxes. In honor of my neurotic family, all the him's, and my friends, I decide to listen to the music, like my mother always has; to help me unpack myself and inturn helps me clean the corners of my past in the order I locate them.
I've found myself hanging around my apartment listening to Fiona Apple, The CD's you had made me, Fleetwood Mac, Tom Petty, Wu-Tang, Blue October, Usher, Beastie Boys, Rob Thomas, Foo Fighters, Disturbed, 311, Linkin Park, Aaliyah, Dave Matthews Band, The Eagles, Jamiroquai, Toadies, Janet Jackson, Marvin Gaye, OutKast, TLC, Incubus...... and even some songs that you played and sang to me still ring in my ear....
I've found rad pictures of us at 16, some of us at 12, even younger, some recent, some of us at dances and formals, some of you and I in hysterical moments that still crack me up, pictures that you gave me of yourself, pictures that got me in trouble with significant others , us in photo booths making awesome faces, us playing softball, or us dancing with our orange and white pom-poms, the homecoming dances at LPHS, or decked out for the night, us on skiing trips, road trips, railways in New Orleans, Breckinridge and some in Germany.........each and every one of them inscribing and etching a page in my personal history that I wil never overlook.
I've found your letters and cards- the ones you've selected with me in mind.... I've re-read the lines you composed over again- every last one. And I know you meant every word when you wrote them... to me....
I've ran my fingers over the small trinkets and gifts you have given me or the things I kept simply because they reminded me of you... I've touched a piece of you at a time that no longer exists- a piece of me that sometimes feels so lost... to only be found in the corners of my room and in old boxes that still take me years to open.
For all of everything that you have ever contributed to my life- and for all that you continue to do so- to those old and new- to those relationships recovered and unburried-TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS- "Thank You" for being who you are and for sharing a piece of yourself with me... You have made my life overwhelmingly full- and I am grateful......
I Owe You .... Me!"
So my conclusion to you, (kelly's little bro.) is to enjoy it, and take a breath of fresh air every day! Life will be hard, life can also be easy, but every moment is for a reason, and you just have to believe that you can make it. And it is not the moments that make us change, but how we chose to react to those changes. Have a wonderful day, and keep smiling!
Heather B :-)
This is way too deep for a Thursday morning...but what my Kelly asks, my Kelly gets.
My best advice is to surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself by just being you...not because you are a cookie cutter of what they think they want in a friend. Also, surround yourself with a variety of people. Remember that you have the power to be the kind of person you want to be...and you can change that as often or as little as you want. So when you start surrounding yourself with these good people, know that you can learn from them. It doesn't mean that you have to conform to them. But, hell, if I picked my favorite thing about each of my friends...I would be the most well-balanced person EVER.
Never try and define yourself...because what you think you know about yourself is going to change constantly as life happens to you. And even when it is uncomfortable, change is okay. Just remember to ask yourself if your actions truly represent the kind of person you want to be.
The earlier in life that you realize you will NEVER have life figured out...the faster you will have some inner peace. When I started college, I figured that SURELY I would know who I was by the time I graduated. Yep, at the ripe old age of 21, I graduated thinking I had it all figured out. I turn around at 25 and do not even recognize that 21 year old me. And I have a sneaky suspicion that when 30 nears (which is MUCH further away than Maria thinks it is), life will have shocked me once again. So I have just decided that I will never have it all figured out...and I am totally on board with that!
Work hard. Be open-minded and non-judgemental to yourself and others. Learn from the mistakes that you WILL make. Have fun. Be happy. And when problems come along, look to the solution within yourself first.
This is what I think I know...but check back in a few years because it might all be different.
Such a hard subject to talk about, espcially when it is posted for the whole world to see--but ok--for Stephen and for you Kelly, to know you are not the only ones out there.
For me it started around the 8th grade. This is right after my parents divorced. I know most of you don’t know me and those who did know me then probably don’t remember this, but it was kinda a rough divorce--at least for us kids, and I am sure for my mom and dad. Before that point we were very innocent kids I think. Never really heard my parents cuss even. During that divorce my dad slung around every curse word under the sun accusing my mom of horrid things. He left her, she wanted him to come back--we prayed every night for God to bring my daddy home. Then He did and my mom had decided she didn’t want and/or need him anymore. My dad pursued her relentlessly. Wrote her little love notes and showed them to me to get my opinion. I was only 12 years old! They didn’t work of course. My mom had had enough of him. When my dad finally realized she wsant coming back he flipped out--kidnapped her from work, brought her to the house, held up captive in our out home. My mom managed to talk to me for a minute and told me to get out and run down to my friend's house and call the police. Call the police on my own dad???? But yet I knew he was not himself and was dangerous at the moment. I tried to leave, really I did, but he cornered me and made me go back to my foom. I was scared. I jumped in between him and my mom cause he was hurting her. I didn’t help matters any. Finally he left and we ran down the road and hid out at my friends house, call the police, and my Nannie. The police came and told dad (who was back again) to leave. He drove around the block and came back. My Nannie and Lowell (her husband) picked us up and as we drove by our house on the way out of the neighborhood my dad had a bonfire going in our front yard. He then followed us to my Nannie's demanding to talk to his wife. Lowell told him to get out of there or he was going to shoot him and he left. He then kept calling my Nannie's house threatening to kill himself. Finally mom got an open line and called Grandma(his mom) and she got him under control somehow.
I know a lot of kids have gone through much worse, but it was enough for me to start that same search that you went on Kelly. I searched to be likes and needed in life, yet wasn’t in the same clique as the "popular" crowd--never was, but I had my own friends. A group of many colors I liked to think. None of us quite fit in anywhere else, but we fit together. A darker side in me grew at that point. I started listening to dark music--at that time it was Pink Floyd, Depeche Mode, Nine Inch Nails--those were probably the main three. If any of you have ever heard these, you know they are dark. (I realize every knows Pink Floyd and probably the other two as well). My mind turned inwards, dark thoughts, suicidal tendencies--I don’t think I would have acted on it--I would always think of the family and friends that would be left behind. But the thoughts were there. Dark poetry, dark books…books became my escape. Horror, of couse--horror movies as well, but mostly books. Your own imagination is always much darker than that of the movie makers. My dreams were horrid scary things, blacker than the stuff I was surrounding myself in. By 15 I was smoking and involved with a boy. I dabbled in drugs--never got to involved in that and I have God to thank. Even though I had obviously turned from Him--HE WAS ALWAYS FAITHFUL. I just chose to ignore Him. I didn’t get much better through high school. I did have some god friends though and as far as I was concerned they were my life. I would do anything for them, and them for me.
I went through stages through my high school years, but most of the time I probably seemed ok. I was smart enough to know what needed to be under wraps. Although I was extremely rebellious towards my mom and for that I am sorry. My step father was a good man and tried for the short time he was around. I loved and respected him but didn’t totally understand what was happening to him. He died a year after he and my mom married. He had colon cancer and up until right before he died I really believed he would be fine. My childhood friend died when I was a sophmore. We had several other students love while I was in high school that I knew, but werent as close to. Death still seemed to be all around. At some point I felt desensitized to hearing so-and-so died.
So I guess to try to get back on the subject--I think we are all fasinated with death. It is for some people an unknown--and even for those that know what happens when they go--we still have a morbid tendency to wonder what it would be like if someone we loved died-how would we handle it? Would we cry? Scream? Faint? Throw up? Would we be stone faced? What would we feel? Could we continue with life? How would we go on? And the worst is when you think about losing your child. Why do we do this? I used to think I was such a drama queen to even focus on such things. But even now--where I am in my life at this point--I still think about it. My outlook is much different though.
I will tell you this Stephen--I know some of what you are going through. I know your group has had it hard. I know amoung yall the hurt runs deep and I know a lot of why. I also know I probably don’t know the half of it. But I grew up with some of it. I still see some of it now. And we may not know each other well because of our age difference, but I love you, and I pray for you. I don’t know what to say or do to make things better, but I know you can rise above it. I walked around a lost soul for years and years. I knew who God was and I was saved-no doubt. But there is a huge difference in being saved and living like you are. For me, I had to go to what seemed like the pit of hell, several times in my life, before I cried out to God. I was one of those stubborn people who wouldn’t go to him until I had no choice left but to fall flat on my face and give up. I didn’t give up on my life, I gave up on me though. Me had gotten me nothing but trouble and more heartache. I had to quit thinking I could change my life and myself--by myself. I can not do it. I might can will power myself into a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, but no real change. But "I can do anything through Christ whch strenghtens me" (Phillipians 4:13). I gotta tell you--He is the only way. All of it can be conquered through God. There was a song that was out during the time when I was pregnant with Crissy (and of course already had Alayna) and Billy had walked out on me. I was working full time and going to school full time. At times it was just awful. But God showed Himself to me again and again during that time and I was faithful to Him. I fully and completely trusted Him. With all I had. Anyways, but the line in the song was "sometimes He calms the storm, other times He calms the child". That hit me. I was in a storm (a hurricane even) but had total peace. Not to say I didn’t get upset, or angry, or cry, BUT I had His peace and even though I didn’t know what was around the next bend, I knew who was driving me there.
I know where you are at Steve and I know God is probably the last thing on your mind, but I want you to know you are the first thing on His. He loves you and so do I. (and you Stephanie, and you Kelly, and you Jeremy). I love you guys.
And I don’t know Kelly if I have posted to your blog right at this point. I know I have been rattling on and on and my thoughts have probably been all over the place. I hope that you can follow what I have written. I had a heavy heart and a full mind when I replied to this, so I hope you can understand what is written.
All my Love
Michelle
Oh dear Stephen, you don't know me, but i was a friend of your sister's in High School. We never really hung out a GREAT amount of time, but we always enjoyed each other's company in school.
Just a few words of wisdom as you go through the stage in your life that only lasts four years and you'll be lucky if you still keep in touch with these people you see everyday from here on out until you graduate.
"Don't sweat the small stuff."
Popularity and who to hang around in HIGH SCHOOL really won't benefit you in the future. I speak from experience because a majority of the people I went to school with are still here in La Porte with children and married and i don't know if they really want to expand their life and get out of this town. True it takes baby steps to get out of La Porte, but look how baby steps helped us grow into adults...it'll take some time..but it can happen if you bust your hide.
"Focus on yourself"
I wish i did more of that in high school rather than worry on friendships that dissipated after graduation and sit by the phone waiting to be invited to parties and such. You are your worst enemy as well as your best cheerleader. Only you decide what the outcome of your life is. Peer pressure is a joke and don't let it get the best of you.
I'm not the most perfect person in the world to be giving advice; however, i lived where your sister is living now and my eyes have been opened to a world that thankfully i've had the opportunity to experience. I'm back home now to the world i tried to leave and i've haven't wanted to get out of here more than i do now.
So to make a long story short (too late) Be Strong, Focus on You, Keep Your Head Up...because look at it this way...you're getting taught History and Government by COACHES!!! What the heck?
Hope that helps...J
Stephen,
I have a sister your age (you may know her – I think you are in the same grade at the same school) and I see her struggling through the “fitting in” phase of transition to high school. It breaks my heart to see her go through some of the things she has endured. I see the light at the end of the tunnel (its called college,) but I know when you are going through all the hurt, its hard to see the light.
Most likely, you’ll find some friends in high school; you’ll have fun, and make good memories. But honestly, your best friends will most likely be made in college and as an adult. As you get older and learn more, and you really learn what makes a good friend. Personally, I found them in college. (You tend to bond a lot studying until 3am on a regular basis.) But, the relationships get even better after college. It’s really rewarding to have great friendships and watch each other grow – personally and professionally.
Sorry for droning on, but my point is to hang there. It truly does get better. Just have fun and know that something better is coming – after everyone grows up and realizes that popularity means nothing.
Wow, tons of you had so much to say, but I can't say that I am as good as you guys with words.
High School... Goodness I did not like high school. I went to two of them! One all the way through 11th grade in a small town where I did not belong to the popular group, yet always wanted to belong (later finding out all they did was drink and get in trouble-- glad I was not let in!! Girls even getting pregnant and not knowing who the dad was). So there I was, a Band geek and someone that never spoke in class! Senior year - new school, finally made good friends but I dont speak to them anymore. College- best time ever. Met the best girls ever and finally found out who I am .. yet I think I am still going through some of that. And yes, getting very very close to 30! Stephen, be yourself, dont worry about what others have to say or think--it does not matter. You will just worry yourself wondering. Everything comes together the way it is suppose to be! HAve fun and enjoy being a kid! Maria
"When I figure out what you're saying, I'll come back with a smashing reply."
Kel, when do you have time to do this?
Hey Anonymous #2, I'm happy to clear up any confusion you have and then look forward to your "smashing reply."
I'm sorry, Anonymous, for my sarcastic remark. I sincerely want to know what part of my entry you are confused about (because I did drone on and on and on, and there were a lot of different components, a lot to be confused on). When I started writing, I really just wanted to write through my thoughts on the book that I'm reading...sometimes my brain gets fixated on ideas, and I was really wondering if the first time I read that book, I thought that her propensity towards wondering about the timing of her future death, and the incredible complex universe that we live in where we cannot go back in time...right in this moment, I have no idea when I will die, or forget death...I have no idea what exact thing I will be doing at this very time tomorrow, at 8:59pm on Sunday, September 3, 2006. But at that time tomorrow, whatever I'm doing, I can't go back to not knowing. It will forever be written in history and if I'm 90 years old with Alzheimers one day, even if I cannot remember it, it can't be undone.
Anyway, so yeah, that may just add to your confusion. The point was that I didn't start off with the idea to make it about my little brother, who I love dearly. It just sort of evolved to that, through thinking about the past, about my unhappiness as a kid, and about how hopeless I felt, until I got out on my own and had the freedom to discover who I am and who I am not. And then realizing the consequences that come with that freedom...family drama, losing the ones I love, the pain and utter beauty of making excruciatingly difficult decisions that I know are for the best, but that just feel so wrong at the time. And the magic of feeling how right the decision was, even if it is years later.
The point is to not get lost in the present, which is nearly impossible to do until you get out of school and move away and discover what the rest of the world has to offer, because until you move on, your entire universe is made up of where you have lived and who you have known for the past 18 years, which in many cases, is not representative of what is to come.
Love you.
Mom-I just do this when I have a few extra minutes to spare and something pressing on my mind. Usually in the evenings while watching television. It breaks up the monotony.
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